Before you proceed any further, this post is somewhat of a departure from what I usually write. It contains some of my thoughts on raising children. Please understand that I do not consider myself an authority on the subject of child rearing and for the most part have tried not to offer unsolicited parenting advice to ANYONE. I believe that for the most part, people DO NOT truly want to be told how to raise their children and that even when they ask for advice, deep down they really don't want advice . . . they want commiseration! They want someone else to see how truly difficult their particular set of circumstances makes it for them to guide/discipline/nuture their particularly difficult child/children. Perhaps I see it that way because I certainly did not want to be told how to raise my family. I pretty much resented all comments/advice from parents, parents-in-law, husband, siblings, friends and just about everyone else when I was raising my five kids. ESPECIALLY my husband (who IS a professional). I can remember many times that Brent would come home from work (often late, because he was starting up his new company), after I'd been going head to head ALL DAY LONG with one of my darling little pre-schoolers, and trying to explain to him how impossible this particular little darling was. He'd try to explain to me, as diplomatically as he could, that it wasn't nearly so much the nature of that child that was the problem as it was the conclusions that I had drawn about him and the way that I was reacting to him. Infuriating! Couldn't he see how difficult this child was and what an impossible situation that I was in? Insensitive moron! I had five kids, the oldest being eleven (at the height of my distress) and the youngest being just a year old. Brent was gone constantly and I wasn't coping well. The obvious solution to the problem was for Brent to be home more and do what I needed him to do (not sure what that was, actually). You get the picture?
That being said, I've been giving this whole subject of raising children a lot of thought, lately, because I've had more than one request for advice about how to deal with a strong minded child who doesn't seem to mind very well. I've thought about raising my own kids (now aged 22 to 32), the successes and the failures of different "techniques" that we tried, the inspired moments and the train wrecks. I've thought about how different my children were from one another. ( Any doubts that I'd ever harbored about my children not existing as intelligent spirits pre-mortally were completely eliminated as their personalities emerged within the first few months of their lives!) I've thought about how even though they were all quite different from one another that they were the same as one another also . . . they all needed love, nurturance, closeness, a sense of their place in the family AND they had a need to establish varying degrees of independance and separateness.
Now, my young friends who are raising young children, if you don't mind I'm going to talk LDS-ish here. If it's true that the most valiant of spirits were saved for the last days (in other words the most valiant warriors) we have to ask ourselves the question "what was it that they fought so valiantly to defend"? FREEDOM, baby! The freedom to exercise agency to truly become all that they could be, as children of God. They are magnificent freedom fighters but a veil of forgetfulness has caused them to lose sight of what and Who they were fighting for. This is a generation of people who are not going to be content with the answer "because I told you so" to their questions of "why". I really believe that your generation is going to have to step up their parenting skills to guide the rising generation and help them channel that HUGE need for "freedom to choose" into "freedom to choose the things of eternal life". The children of today are not going to align themselves with just anything. They are not going to commit themselves easily to family rules, church doctrine or anything else that isn't felt, deeply in their souls, to be safe, sound and given in a nuturing manner.
Because Brent is a "behavioral" psychologist, we have used a parenting model based chiefly on choice and consequence. We've tried various parenting techniques and devised little "programs" to help our kids internalize principles of healthy living and to develop good life skills (refer back to inspired moments and train wrecks). I really believe, however, that the single most helpful thing I did to "step up" my parenting was to get "inservice" help. This included individual therapy (lots of it), group therapy, parenting classes, self-help books, Relief Society classes, CES classes, etc. The truth is that maintaining a peaceful, safe feeling environment in your home where children feel more free to make healthy choices begins with YOU so I think that some investment in your education and emotional health is completely in order here, don't you think? Let me quote the blog of a good friend of mine who was quoting the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff".
"The emotional climate you live in begins with you - as mine does for me. If you are agitated, nervous, frantic and frustrated, it's unrealistic to expect that the other people in your home are going to thrive. Instead, they will likely be walking on eggshells trying not to upset you" (or in the case of some children, they may be acting out to further exacerbate your internal chaos). "Any negativity you harbor will affect, to some degree, the others in your home, (not to mention the effects on yourself.) This doesn't mean that it's your fault if your home is less than peaceful, only that in most instances, if you wait for others to set the example you'd like to see, you're going to have a very long wait! However, when you are calm patient and loving you bring out the best in those around you. By being an example of peace, you open the door for others to be more patient, accepting and gracious. Rather than being upset by the ups and downs of daily living, you create an environment in which it's okay to go with the flow. And the CALMER you become, the easier it is to make the necessary adjustments to the complications and challenges of daily living. By being peaceful, you eliminate many of the mental distractions that interfere with your wisdom and common sense, thus making it easier to see solutions instead of problems. Sooo, instead of waiting for others (including your children) to step forward and blaming them for the chaos in your home, make the decision to have peace as YOUR top priority - decide it's a goal worth striving toward."
Well, my oh my, haven't I just gone on and on here! If you're still reading this you're either truly looking for answers as you raise your children (and very possibly haven't found any here) or you're a true glutton for punishment or both! Whatever. I welcome your comments and thoughts as you fight alongside your magnificent little warriors in the trenches of mortal life! I'd be happy to share a couple of our little "family programs" that were more successful, if you'd like. And I'd love to hear about YOUR inspired moments and successes because there may be others who read those comments and find an answer to a behavioral problem that they've been struggling with in their little one(s). Til next time.
P.S. I'd rather not share the train wrecks . . . suffice it to say that there were plenty of them along the way and most them involved getting into a control struggle with a toddler or pre-schooler. Fatal error.