Children grow older . . . and I'm gettin' older too

Andrea's blessing day. Surrounded by Mike (10), Steve (8), Scott (5) and Laura (almost 4)

Family photo taken in 1992.
The original "five". Taken this past summer after Andrea returned from her mission.
The whole family . . . parents, kids, kids-in-law and grandkids. I'm looking at this photo as I'm typing this and I've got a big smile on my face, as well as a few tears running down my cheeks. I'm so sappy . . . I know!

You may recognize the title of this post as part of the lyrics of a song called "Landslide". It was originally written and performed by Stevie Nicks, lead singer for Fleetwood Mac (one of my favorites from yester-year) and then remade by the Dixie Chicks. I can remember watching Stevie Nicks perform in her kind of dreamy, ethereal style . . . twirling around on the stage and absolutely lost in the music. She liked to wear long, billowy chiffon skirts that kind of floated around her as she performed and she almost always sported some sort gypsy like shawl and layers of lace. I loved the look and still do. As a matter of fact, when I look at my own style of dress I'm wondering if I haven't subliminally been trying to duplicate her style, all these years! The only one of her trademarks that I'm disinclined to wear are her six inch platform boots! An accident waiting to happen, I always thought.
Anyway . . . the song "Landslide" could have multiple meanings but there's a passage in the song that has great meaning to me, at this stage of my life. If you'll indulge me . . .

. . . Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides, Can I handle the seasons of my life? I don't know.
Well I've been afraid of changing 'cause I've built my life around you. But time makes you older, children get older and I'm gettin' older too.

The lyrics seem pretty simple, even trite, without the beautifully expressive music to go with it but they seem to really sum up the feelings that I've been wrestling with for the last few years.
Sometimes, I think to myself "Come on Sandra . . . time to get over it!" but the truth is that it's really hard to break a thirty year habit, thirty years being the time span between Mike's birth and Annie's leaving for college. Thirty years of being very involved with the comings and goings and growings of my children. I was fortunate enough to be able to be a "stay-at-home mom" while I was raising my kids so that WAS my career. I worked hard at it and for the most part loved it. With some notable exceptions, I think I was pretty good at my job. Good enough, that my kids don't really NEED me anymore. Not really. They're grown with careers, lives, spouses and children of their own. They have the problems and challenges that can't be avoided while living in mortality but, all in all, they're living life well. So . . . shouldn't there have been a retirement party for me, complete with presentation of a gold watch and a big frosted sheet cake that says "Congratulations on your Retirement!"? Some sort of closure, something that tells me to move on. Career ended . . . on to the next phase? Oh my, the absolute angst of it all! Because the truth is that I haven't given up MY need for my kids to need me in the ways that they used to. And I have to . . . absolutely have to.
Mike and Erin and family and Steve and Kalli are settled in the Denver, Colorado area and having completed their schooling, are beginning their careers. It's unlikely that any of them will ever live near us in Utah again. Laura and Jordan have received a wonderful job offer in Atlanta, Georgia and after Jordan wraps up his master's of tax degree next month, they will be moving. They say it's just for a few years and that they'll come back to Utah. We'll see. Andrea is going to graduate with her undergraduate degree in speech pathology next spring and will be going, who knows where, to graduate school. Never mind graduate school . . . she will, I assume, marry and end up who knows where! West coast, east coast, Canada (heaven forbid), Australia (maybe I should just kill myself now). Sigh. Scott and Rachel, at this writing, are my one great hope of having children and grandchildren who live near by. They have begun their careers here in the Salt Lake area and purchased a home in Bountiful, just a few blocks away. But we all know that life turns on a dime.
I can just hear my mother now . . . "well you poor thing, who would just up and leave home at the age of seventeen to attend college in a different country and then marry a guy from there, have five children and live a thousand miles from their parents forever more?!" Point taken mom. And never would I want my kids to stop following their dreams because I'm not quite ready for them to be far away from me. I know that I just need to move to a different phase of the career that I started in. Move from manager to consultant, if you will. And only act as consultant when requested! No one wants unsolicited advice from parents or parents-in-law. Not really. Also, since I consider my kids to be some of my dearest friends, there will always be that. Friendships can grow and deepen and go on and on. I can do this (oh yes I can). Rambling . . . I am.
If you're still reading this, thanks for the indulgence. I feel better for having written it although I may go to my bedroom and cry for a little while later on. No time now . . . things to do. Til next time . . .