Don't apologize, don't defend

My niece-in-law, Michelle Cervo, who is the lovely wife of my nephew Brian and a wonderful mother to their one year old daughter, writes a blog called The Simple Bean. In her last post, she shared some of her parenting philosophy and ended by saying,

  "Note: I’m not a professional, I have no idea what I’m doing, I am definitely NOT a perfect parent. I just try to follow my instincts and do what feels right, and I document it to remember these special times. If you feel that another way to parent is the right way,  good. Trust your instinct and parent on." 

I read this with great interest because it confirms for me something that I've stated before and truly believe . . . no one really wants to be told how to raise their kids.  Period.  That's not to say that we don't read parenting books and take parenting courses and trade ideas with our peers, etc.  But when it comes right down to it, we don't want someone to tell us that there's a better way than the way we're doing it, even if there are some things that aren't working well for us.

I believe that this innate need for self-governance and choosing our own way extends to pretty much all facets of our lives.  We, as human beings, simply do not appreciate being told "what to do" or "how to do it".  

I've had a couple of interesting discussions with friends and family members in the past few months where I've been able to clarify for myself a kind of new relationship philosophy (for myself) which simply stated is this: Don't defend . . . don't apologize.  Have a plan, work your plan, gratefully acknowledge the feedback of those who truly care about you, keep working your plan, if facets of your plan aren't working well for you then reconsider your plan, be willing to accept the consequences of following your particular plan and resist the temptation to push your plan on someone else.  Don't defend and don't apologize (unless you do something that really needs to be apologized for like, for instance, passing gas in someone else's space).  It just seems to me that we spend too much time in life feeling insecure and indecisive because we're afraid of someone else's criticism or reproach.  Therefor, when someone offers some advice or a different point of view, it becomes an almost knee jerk reaction to start defending our own turf.  What would happen, instead, if we were to say something like, "Thanks for sharing that point of view.  It may prove helpful to me".  No defense, no argument, no apology for your decision-making process.  Just "thank-you for sharing".  

I'm certainly not suggesting that we can't benefit from giving honest consideration to someone else's point of view.  I'm simply suggesting that if we're constantly feeling defensive or insecurely apologetic that we'll never be open to another point of view anyway.

Don't defend . . . don't apologize.  I think that's going to be my mantra, at least for now, until I think of something that works better.

'Til next time . . .